and you said cock pushups were impossible
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
