I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
