Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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