good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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