it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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