My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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