I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
