after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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