did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
