You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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