The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
