the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
