I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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