I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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