My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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