We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
