i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
