"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
