Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
