A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
