I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
