Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
