Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
