My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
