My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
