R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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