He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
