My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
