Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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