Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
