she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
