Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
50% drunk capacity currently
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
