Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
