I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
