I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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