guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
