the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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