I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
