I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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