I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you traded sex for a burrito?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
