we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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