he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
