he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
