how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
