I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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