someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
