Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
