She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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