i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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