just tell him i said nine months
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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