Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
