i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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