I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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