If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
