Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
operation harelip BJ is a go
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
