I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
