i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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