I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
