I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
