News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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