She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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