As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
